What I Learned in Grad School

by J.H. Humphreys

Presidential Qualifications

With a masters in Gramm-Leach-Bliley
And a Doctorate from Thanh Phong
While running a university,
What possibly could go wrong?

School Policy

Honored speakers talk without complaint
Never wavering in righteous belief
The audience listens with dutiful restraint
That’s what I call freedom of speech!

Private Library

I’ve read a book or two in my time
In German and Latin and Greek
If only it happened on the New School’s dime
I might research instead of work all week.

Haiku Hegel

This poem was longer
When its form of consciousness
Was fast sublated.

Haiku Wittgenstein

Limits of language
bewitch philosophers too
much – even Frege

Haiku Heidegger

Being lost. Latin’s failure.
Ask Heraclitus.

New York Housing

Gracie Mansion, it is well known,
Was purchased for the Bloomberg home
It’s easy to find housing if your truly care
And it doesn’t hurt to be a billionaire.

Democratic Process

Unbiased, Sober, and pure in its mission
After deliberation most long and scary
The handpicked committee has made its ­­decision:
A unanimous ruling in favor of Kerrey


For anyone reading this literally,
There’s not much I can do
But point downtown speaking verily:
There’s an open spot at NYU

New School Seder

Hard is the heart of Pharaoh
But he must build his tomb,
His monument of mortar and sorrow,
Till’ then we’ll have no room.

The Goshen of 16th Street
And the memory of our myth
Is the ghetto where scholars meet
Next year at 65 Fifth!